Pregnancy Loss – A Personal Story

Today’s post has been a difficult one to write. I have contemplated sharing news of my pregnancy loss for a long time.  I do tend to keep certain things very private, however I know the power of the internet and if one person finds this post that is going through the same thing, it will be worth it.  Personally, my Google search after my diagnosis left me feeling hopeless.  As I wasn’t able to find anyone who personally experienced a pregnancy loss like this.  The medical articles were there, but I wanted to find one person who knew what I was going through.  So here we go. 

Pregnancy Loss – A Personal Story

April 9th is a day filled with mixed emotions.  It is my birthday and it is also supposed to be the day we were to welcome our baby boy into the world.  Sadly, we lost our baby at 20 weeks as I was diagnosed with Oligohydramnios, which means I had little to no amniotic fluid.  This affects about 1% – 2% of pregnancies.   The diagnosis was a complete shock as were the events after it. For the most part, I had experienced a standard pregnancy. There was extreme exhaustion and morning sickness, but I was always happy to have it as it meant the pregnancy was growing.  The 20 week mark was the end of what I thought was a standard pregnancy.

 

Diagnosis 

I went to the doctor for my standard 20 week ultrasound and while everything during the appointment was uneventful, it was anything but. I personally don’t like when the ultrasound technician talks during the scan.  The medical jargon gets me worked up and I prefer to just hear the final results at the end of the appointment.  So up front I let the technician know not to talk about anything related to the baby and to just give me an update at the end. 

 

Well, the end of the scan came and the technician said she was going to leave the room to read the results and then come back in.  I thought nothing of this and thought that was a normal procedure.  When the technician returned she brought my doctor in with her, and I knew that wasn’t a good sign.  He explained everything to me, which was a complete blur.  It also didn’t help that I was there alone due to COVID restrictions.  I had to call Mike to come and meet me.  We spoke to a couple of doctors who explained the situation and confirmed that the chance of survival for the baby was 0%.  They recommended terminating the pregnancy to avoid any life threatening complications with me.

Low Amniotic Fluid

I didn’t understand a thing they were saying and I really didn’t understand how there was a 0% chance for the baby.  To me, everything has at least some chance.  And to be honest I had no idea that this was even something that could happen during a pregnancy.  With all the things that could go wrong  during a pregnancy no one ever mentioned that having low amniotic fluid was a possibility.  I also don’t understand why it can’t be fixed.  With all of the advances in fetal health, this is something they can’t fix?  It made no sense to me and I don’t know if this pregnancy loss ever will.  

 

The Procedure

The weeks after the diagnosis were physically and mentally exhausting.  I underwent a D&E  (dilation & evacuation) to remove the baby and began my recovery.  A D&E is different from a D&C (dilation & curettage) and used 12 weeks and after in a pregnancy.  The D&E was the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced.  It’s a two day procedure. The first day is to prepare your body – essentially they manually start labor and expand your cervix.  It was hard, painful and exhausting.  The doctors try to prepare you for what you will experience that day, but nothing can prepare you for this.  The second day was much easier as I was put under for the surgery.  Then you wake up, not pregnant and leave the hospital without a baby. 

 

The shock of that alone is enough to mess with your mind completely.  I spent the next few days not believing what had happened and at the same time thinking I was never pregnant in the first place.  The mind is a powerful thing and how you use it can break you or make you.  I truly believe that.

 

Moving Forward 

If you are reading this because you are going through a pregnancy loss like this, I am so genuinely sorry.  This completely sucks, it’s completely unfair and downright cruel.  I still don’t understand how anything like this can happen.  But I do know that time heals everything and while I will always have a little bit of sadness in my heart, I choose to acknowledge that pain and  move forward.  I have a beautiful daughter and wonderful husband and they give me life!  And in my heart I know that after great sadness comes wonderful things.  Things you didn’t even know you needed or wanted.  I firmly believe this.